vulnerable right now

 Yet another night the thoughts are overtaking me and I need to write everything out. This past week has been pretty rough for me mentally, but the thing is I don't really know why. I love my life and the people in it but I feel I keep falling back into not loving me again. Coming from someone who hated herself to the point she didn't even want to be a thought to anyone anymore, learning to love and find yourself is so hard and comes with many obstacles. It comes with many mind games, but you truly see how strong you are after not letting them win. By them I mean the thoughts that you do not want to be in your head. Everybody has their own story and goes through things that no one else will ever know. Unfortunately, we can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes and see what is going on in their minds. Personally, I hate this because when I try to explain how I feel, I can never truly get the full affect across. I often wonder if other people find this as frustrating as I do. Like, you want someone to give advice, comfort you, or just understand what you're thinking or what is going ion but you always find that they never quite hit the nail on the head. It breaks my heart and my mind I feel so lost and just different and hate that, like do others not think like that? Do they not think like I do? How do they not care if no one is understanding what they are trying to say? How do they get through it all alone? I don't know. I have gotten better with this because I truly stopped sharing all my thoughts like I once used too. I used to rely on everyone knowing everything, I don't know why. I am often once to spam social media and post a ton of stuff that really people do not care about, but I guess I find a weird comfort in posting it. that one person to swipe up for view it multiple times, gives me a fulfilled feeling a sense of love in a weird odd way, I can't explain it. Going back to hating yourself, side tracked again, are we really surprised? I once hated everything about myself. Everything. my personality, my hair, my teeth, my looks, my laugh, my dimple, ugh everything. I hate even writing this out because that feeling comes back. This led to a lot of mental disorders and insomnia. It also got as bad to the point where I would make myself get sick after anything I had consumed, not a meal, it could have been something as simple as a bite of an apple. I couldn't hold anything down. I hate speaking of this part because I know, haha everyone has eating disorders lately right? They're soooo glamorized! Like haha we had a bite of a banana this morning omg were so quirky we forgot to eat lets constantly talk about how skinny we are and how we hate eating! Especially in front of guys and girls that did eat! Like no. Eating is a way of life and I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone. The mental game is worse than anything else in my opinion. It made me crazy, a bitch, rude, sleepless, sensitive, ugh it made me a person I did not even recognize. It took me away from being able to be myself. I was a girl I had no idea who she was. I lost many relationships during this time, and its not their fault. I was a mess, a mess that no one should have had to deal with. I went to therapy for months, numerous pills, sleep doctors, and finally was able to find myself and get off of all of these things (idk if any worked tbh) and food myself with time. Its weird too, I had no one left who I was familiar and comfortable with, but that is when I truly found my true self and a girl that I love, one similar to the one that I used to be. I had finally got to where I wanted, I still am there. It does come back though and I never really believed in "triggers" but wow are they real. its really hard to get over it and not go back down that path again because I know how easy it would be to start obsessing over all of those things again and hating myself completely. It is so easy and sometimes really tempting, like I want to look in the mirror and tell myself "u rllt think u look good?" "god those teeth are so yellow" "ugh that body don't get me started" So many thoughts cross my mind but I work so so hard to get them out. Recently it has been hard especially with so many people seeing so much of me in bathing suits, etc. It's funny too because when people say something as fun as like lets go to the beach or you're in a situation with your significant other where it should be normal, you just feel anxious and scared. I love going to the beach but that cloud comes over and it rains. Now you're probably like god cry me a river Delaney you post in a bikini allll the time you do this you do that, yeah I am aware but it doesn't mean Im not constantly checking the likes the comments to find one goof thing about how I look, etc. I feel for me that posting gives me reassurance, which I know is awful but come on, we all adore compliments and they make us feel good. I know I rely on them maybe a little too much and I have been getting better with it especially since things are so different now and I really only look for them from people I trust, yet its funny because those closest to you I find are the less likely to drown you in them, I feel I hear compliments that I take seriously and to heart actually very rarely now and that was hard for me at first. I was confused and it made me go back too thinking that I was not good enough or doing something tong because now th people I want to hear them from the most aren't giving me any?! then I got over it and I am happy I did because I truly take them seriously now and I feel its helped me not rely on other peoples opinions so much. Now again, off track but yes things have just been hard and ive been letting it get to me more than I could be but I realize it this time and know that I do not want to be that person again, but I also can't try so hard to the point where its killing me NOT to be her. I just have to not think. Literally not think about either side. I love life I love eating I love doing fun things I love laughing I love making others happy while being happy. I don't like being called names or even talked about in a mean girl type of way, its not who I am. I admit  have had my moments, I really just tell the truth about it, if you can't tell I don't really hide much. We all make mistakes and hey, shit happens. It just matters o how you plan to move forward with it and yourself. How are you going to cope with it? I find just living and acknowledging everything, even the bad memories, really helps. Don't fixate on them but also don't try so hard to forget them and constantly try to just do the opposite off everything, it'll just make things worse. Acknowledge it, look at the facts on how different you are now, even if it is something little, that still a small win and proof you aren't exactly the same. Take it and grow from there. Think of a sunflower, once a bottled up seed planted into soil, maybe it didn't even want to be because it was scared of what would it would turn into, but it gets used to it but then realizes hey im doe with this I cant stay the same, so it begins to grow and grow and it might be slow and you might think its done for a little, but they continue to grow and then blossom. Think you're a sunflower, just keep growing and one day no matter how far, it'll come and you too will blossom into something beautiful and hardly remember that bottled up seed in dark scary soil.