no, im not hungry

 

I sit in front of the plate 

I stare at it’s contents 

I just can’t bring myself to do it 

The thought of it is nauseating 

Now I’m nauseous 

Now it’s worse

Consumed by the standard of consumption 

I still can’t do it

As much as I want too

As hungry as I am 

As much as I NEED too,

I still can not do it. 


 

School sucked 

I learned little to nothing 

I can’t focus 

Browser history filled with food

Mukbangs, diets, foods not to eat

Finally I’m home 

I pass out on the couch 


My mom wakes me up for dinner

She made my favorite 

It doesn’t matter 

I don’t want to eat

I know I should 

Mom says I have to

Anything to make it seem like I’m okay

 

I force the fork up to my mouth 

The flavors hit my tongue 

I failed, I am a failure 

I finish my first plate, onto seconds 

I eat until I am full, and keep going  

Wow you ate so much they say

My heart falls to my feet

I place my fork down 

 

My body and mind is taken over by guilt

I hate this feeling 

I need it out of me 

I put my plate away 

“ I have homework to do” 

I don’t 

I lied 

I go to the bathroom 

The cycle repeats. 

 

My mom knows but keeps to herself 

She doesn’t know how to help 

No one does 

I go crazy 

I am sad then mad 

I can’t help it 

I feel everyone hates me 

They’re staring 

Is it at me 

Do I not look good?

I don’t 

They all definitely notice 

I need to do better

I need to be better. 

 

I go home and stare in my mirror

I see nothing I want to see 

I hate what I see 

The comparisons begin

I wish I could change everything about me 

I wish people understood 

Why should they? 

Why should anyone feel like this 

They shouldn’t but I can’t stop the thoughts 

Dinner is made 

I lie and say I already ate

 

Weight is dropping 

I notice differences

Why am I still not happy 

Isn’t this what I wanted?

Isn’t this a good thing?

No it’s not. 

Through this I’ve only lost 

Weight, friends, sleep, myself.

I became a zombie 

I lost myself through this

I can only go up from here. 

 

I’m tired 

i’m failing classes 

it’s hard for me to even get to school

i’m depressed 

i’m anxious 

i’m tired 

so tired 

what can i do? 

i’m starving 

no i’m not 

i am. 

i really am 

i just want to eat

why can’t i eat. 

it’s so easy for others 

and yet they’re still skinner than me 

 

i need to do something 

what about college 

what about a career 

i’m throwing it all away 

for what 

i do not know 

i need to email my teachers 

what do i say 

i can’t say the truth 

it’s too embarrassing 

would they even care 

would they believe me 

look at me 

i don’t look sick 

maybe i’m not sick 

maybe this isn’t as bad as i think 

is this normal 

 

no 

no it’s not normal 

i need them to know 

i need help 

i need sympathy 

i am overwhelmed 

i am a failure 

email sent 

will they acknowledge it 

hopefully they give me s break 

my dream school is USC 

i want to be a vet 

i can’t fail 

but i can’t keep going like this 

i need to focus on me 

but my grades 

my friends 

my sports 

me. 

i need to choose me or nothing will matter 

 

laying in bed scrolling through tik tok

what i eat in a day 

my 10 day diet 

how i lost 30 pounds in a week

models 

i see size 00 models 

those are the girls with followers 

those are the girls that get attention 

the pretty sights for eyes are the ones thriving 

the others, not so much 

i want to be like them 

are they photoshopped? 

i don’t know 

i don’t care 

i want to look like that 

i don’t look like that 

why didn’t God choose me to look like that? 

i pray to look like them. 

 

i make it school finally 

forgotten homework’s 

missed assignments 

falling asleep in class

failing. 

failing at school. 

fighting. 

fighting with friends and family. 

sleep. 

something i never get. 

anxious. 

what i feel all the time. 

depressed. 

what i am. 

 

i start accepting what i am 

this is who i am

this is what i look like 

i am 17 years young 

why 

why am i wasting away my life 

why am i living everyday sad 

why can’t i just be happy 

why do i care about others opinions? 

why can’t i just love myself 

 

a realization has been made.

i don’t have to waste my life 

i can romanticize my life 

i can be happy 

i don’t care about others opinions 

i can love myself 

i do love myself. 

 

I finally got myself together

New, new , new 

New people in my life 

New experiences

New happiness. 

Food still sucks but it is a necessity 

It is still hard at times

It always will be  

I am strong

I can do this

I need to keep telling myself

It is all a mindset

I have finally conquered it.

 

i close my eyes

a new chapter begins

this one i’m the main character 

i flourish and love 

i succeed

i find happiness within 

i find love within 

i live care free 

i am not sad anymore 

i do not dread things 

i am content and happy with who i am 

is this a dream? 

wake up 

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